Frozen
Monday, May 24, 2010 at 9:33PM 
I am frozen right now, right this moment, at 9:30pm on a Monday night. I can't move, I can't speak, I can't make up my mind on what to do next. I am still at work. I have been working since morning because everyone else did too, I have been working through my lunch break because I don't know how to take care of my body, I took lunch late and I have been working until people started leaving. I have been watching the clock, thinking about my son, about him waiting for me at home, about my daughter and my husband, and I still couldn't move. I've waited until two last people left, at about 7pm, and after that it became impossible for me to leave. The longer I stayed, the longer I got glued to the screen. The longer I looked at the screen, the faster I realized that I want to finish watching that YouTube movie, the one based on a true story, the one about an incest victim like me, the one I started watching on a weekend and couldn't finish because I was afraid I'd be too emotional for my kids to see. Now, alone in the office, I finished it. It is a story of Shari Karney, an attorney who became involved in incest cases and through that remembered that she, too, was molested by her father. I watched all 10 little movie pieces, and I shook with each of them, harder and harder. I thought I am cold, I couldn't understand where the shaking came from. I felt sad and compassionate about the main character, but I didn't feel much. Only shook harder. I wondered why. Until I finished film, and understood. I'm running away from reality. I don't want to believe this happened to me. I hope that somehow I have made it all up, it is all a bad dream, and it will pass. I started shaking violently, and I cried. I haven't cried this hard since December of last year, since the month I remembered my own story. I am happy nobody is here to see me now. I want to run away from this world, I don't want to accept the truth - yet there it is - this movie is a picture case of what happened to me, compete with a sister who denounced me and thinks I'm crazy. I have images of my father in my head, and I feel it, I feel he did it to me, and it is so painful, I can barely type. I want to run out on the street and cry out my pain, I want to get rid of it. I don't want it anymore!!! Please, somebody, take it all away!
It's dark outside, I have my bike, and with each passing minute the chance of me getting a bus on time diminish, and the chance of having to wait for 30 minutes or more increases. I haven't eaten dinner, I am hungry and scared. My husband can't pick me up as he is alone at home with our son, asleep. I can probably call a taxi - if my writing will help me to get out of the frozen state. I hope, one finger at a time, I can lift myself up, tell myself that I am ok, hug myself and bring myself to exit the office, step by step, and get out. Go home. Go to sleep. Wake up the next morning and function again. Believe that there is love out there, and it always wins. If only I could unfreeze. You would not believe how hard it is, how painful it is looking truth into the eye. How easy it is to get myself busy with work during the day, and busy at night with cooking and family during the evening, and busy again with a book or e-mail at night. Anything I can do to not be alone, to not have to face what I am still carrying inside. To learn day after day to let it go. To forgive myself. To love that little girl, hiding inside.
Can I be? Can I just be? Is it ok to be me? Is there someone who wants me just as I am? Who will hug me without asking a question about what is wrong? Who will tell me that I am ok? That I am lovable, no matter what? It is me who has to do this now, to help me. It has to be me who will say it is not my only solution to curling up under the table and staying in the office for the night. That I didn't do anything wrong and I can go home, to a warm bed, and be loved. I will try. I will try to leave now. Thank you for reading this. You don't realize it, but you are helping me - just by reading this. Thank you.
Standing up now.
Reader Comments (2)
Hang in there. Keep believing that you will be ok.
Thanks...